First blog

There I was sitting. Just turned 21, moved out 2 days ago. My independent life should have started right there. It didn’t. At that point, I could barely function

One month before I started having panic attacks, and now I had a daily struggle with anxiety. My mom had to do my groceries, I avoided all social interaction, and to top it all off, my manager told me that my contract would not be renewed. It wasn’t a surprise. I knew the contract was ending soon, and at that point I hadn’t been able to come in to work for a month. I tried once, the day after the first panic attack (that also happened while at work). After 5 minutes I went back home. Suddenly the whole world felt different. I felt like I was watching my life from behind a screen. I could no longer function and my body did not feel safe. Everything was blurry. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer recognized her. I looked into my eyes, but it felt like I was no longer behind them.

 I was scared all the time because I had no idea what was happening and how I could get out of it. Or even if I could get out of it. One night I even ended up in the ER because I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. It turned out to be “just” anxiety. I was at my darkest place and I lost my believes that I could get out of it. It felt impossible.

“Going from living to surviving was one of the most difficult thing I ever had to accept”

And now we’re here. Not at my lowest anymore, but still recovering. I’m still in the middle of my journey. As long as I’m growing, I will be fine. I think.

I’ve decided to start the first blog with a little bit of background. Why? Because I feel like to understand my writing, you have to know me a little bit. Everyone has their own story, with their own issues, and this is mine. I always love reading about people their life, what happened to make them the person they are today. To understand their thoughts, and to know that I am not alone.

“Always feeling alone, until I realized there are millions of people struggling with me”

In the past 2,5 years I’ve been in and out of therapy. Recently I’ve started a re-integration process. I found a coach who will help me get ready to go back to work, but also hopefully help me find what job is the right job for me. Because honestly, I have no idea what to do with my life. And to be totally honest, it feels unreal to think about me having a “normal” life again. I’ve been out of it for so long, and now it just doesn’t feel like reality again. It is a scary thought as well to get back out there again.

But, I have come a long way. From not even being able to go more than 5 meters away from my house to going for a long walk in the dunes. From not being able to sit in a car to driving myself to the beach again. From not being able to do my own groceries to having fun again in shopping the whole day. To be honest, it feels kind of traumatic thinking back about it now. Seeing your life fall apart in front of your eyes and having to pick up the pieces again. I felt like a toddler, I had to relearn every little simple thing. I didn’t even know where to start. It took me for about a year to finally see some progress again.

Seeing multiple therapists, until I finally found one that could actually help me. Not to talk bad about the other ones, they just weren’t the right fit for me. Searching a therapist that you can work with can be so hard. When I talk to my friends and see how they are having a hard time finding one, I feel actually lucky that it “only” took me one year and 4 therapists until I found the one. But it is so important to not give up. Because with the right help, I got myself to a place I never believed I could get back to.

“It might feel impossible, but better times are on their way”

Starting this blog, I feel like I have the opportunity to share my story, and maybe even help people who are in the same place. To motivate to keep fighting the fight. About 6 months ago I started to share some of my struggles on my social media and I got lots of positive reactions. People who felt seen, people who got motivated to go out again

I am still figuring it out, and probably always will be. It will be a journey, but I am excited to start the next chapter in my life.